DR. WORM – Now with one-third less right index finger!!!

So there I was. Standing over the edge of a lava pit somewhere in the middle of Mount Doom. Clutched in my hand was the ONE ring. You know, the one I found in that homeless guys money hat. I had to have it, IT CAME TO ME! Anyway, I opened my fingers and looked at my prize, my PRECIOUS. I stared down into the fiery abyss before me. Sweat beading down my forehead, I began to hear the evil words, so loud they nearly drove me to madness, “Girl shake that laffy taffy…THAT LAFFY TAFFY!!!” I knew that this had to end now. The fate of all mankind hung in the balance. I rubbed the tiny trinket…so shiny…so precious…one more time, in fond farewell. Such good times we had. Spying on women dressing, tripping people as they walked down the street and pretending to haunt my friends houses. Ahhhh…such good timesessss…my precious…my precious… I slowly began to turn my hand. I had to let this terrible piece of forsaken metal, fall to its doom. Painstakingly slow, it began to slide from my palm, when something overtook me. Against all rational thought, I began to put the ring on my extended index finger. I could not control myself. I started walking away from the edge. “I want to live…I WANT TO LIVE”, I began repeating over and over. The ring had just slipped onto my right index finger, when the unthinkable happened. The homeless man, whom I had first stolen the ring from, bit off my finger. Fear and pain overwhelmed me. I screamed out in agony as I stared down at the bloody mess of a finger, that still remained. Then, anger overtook me. The kind of murderous anger you get when you look at your gas bill. I had to have it back. My precious!!! My body, happily complied, with my minds demand for the rending of flesh. With cat like dexterity, I kicked the dancing homeless guy in the face. His nose exploded in a fountain of blood that made me weak with relief. Now, I just had to get it back…my precious…but it was too late! Cruel fate, why do you mock me!?! The man had already walked blindly to the ledge, and slipped off. I franticly tried to save my secret lover, from impending destruction, but I could not. My outstretched hand missed the falling mass, and I watched as it fell to meet it’s fate. I was left all alone, except for the beautiful elf maiden I call my wife. Left there crying and bloody. “LAFFY TA…..” The never ending voice, was finally silenced. The world was saved, and evil had been vanquished.

Well, that is all. “A Dr Worm’s Tale,” by me, Dr Worm. This completes the story of how I lost the tip of my finger, and saved the world. (Well, it sounds a lot better than “I cut the tip of my finger off with a chop saw”, anyway.)

So long for now, until the next exciting adventure of…DR WORM!

- Dr. Worm

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Please tell me this is a joke! - I fell so much better about myself.